Friday, April 22, 2011

Let's Get (a) Physical

Today I went for my physical. They asked a lot of questions, got my vitals (temp and blood pressure), listened to my heart and lungs, took a little blood, poked, prodded, and most importantly, did an EKG.

A lot of my physical indicated that I’m doing great; temperature is normal, blood pressure was very good, goop in my lungs is normal for people with allergies this time of year, blah blah.

Doc: Do you want a steroid shot to help with your inflammation and congestion?

Me: No way! I’m not about to get on the juice, man!

Doc: It’s…no, it’s an anti-inflammatory steroid.

Me: Yeah, I’ll bet that’s what they told Barry Bonds…

Doc: No, anabolic steroids are totally different –


I actually declined the steroid shot because I’m clearing up pretty well on my own. I have taken anti-inflammatory steroids before and they are a freaking life saver. They even save you from things from other planets. You can read about it in my blog post about the time I had an alien monster flesh eating bacteria devouring the side of my head.

Back to the results of the physical.

The one thing that I expected to be normal that wasn’t normal was the EKG. I really didn’t like that the EKG wasn’t normal.

I fully expected to go in there and have the doctor tell me “You’re healthy as a horse! Keep up the hard exercise, your heart is like a machine!”

Instead he says “There are a couple of spots on this EKG that aren’t exactly as they should be. Let’s make an appointment to do a nuclear stress test. I’d also like to ask you some questions about your boot camp.”

So, he asked me about the crying episode, and he asked me about back pain (which I don’t have), and whether I ever feel sick to my stomach during the class.

Me: Well, duh. Yeah. It’s freaking boot camp. I feel sick every time. Sometimes I vomit.

Doc: That’s a common sign of heart issues in women.

Me: Oh, but everybody comes close to puking sometimes in there. It’s part of the program.

Doc: …

Me: I’ve never shit myself, though.

Doc: …

Me: One girl nearly shit herself one day. She doesn’t say shit though. She said she thought she was going to poop her pants. But she didn’t.

Doc: …

Me: Boot camp is fun.

So because I had the emotional episode (and it wasn’t anywhere near my “emotional” time [you know, Aunt Flo, red tide, menstrual cycle]), and I feel nauseous a lot during class, and I have a family history of heart disease, AND there were irregularities on my EKG, we’re doing a contrast dye test. This is where I am pumped full of radioactive material and hooked to odd looking machines and told to walk/jog on a treadmill until I am very close to dying, and they look at something through some kind of medical doohickey. That is the technical explanation.

In all seriousness, I know that this is not a terribly big deal. The doctor did not put any restrictions on my exercise (see you all Monday!); he didn’t put any restrictions on my diet; he didn’t seem terribly worried. Had I only had one or two of the items listed above, he probably would have said let’s wait a year and see if we need to do one at your next physical; but since I had all four, he figured better safe than sorry.

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