Dinner

So today I was kind of snacky all day. I didn't have a lot of calories left for dinner. I wanted something tasty, so I took Ted's recipe for Jamaican escovitch and trimmed calories, fat, and carbs from it. I also stole his photo.

Slimmed-down Jamaican Escovitch

4 Servings

per serving:

Calories: 157

Fat: 2g

Carbs: 7g

Protein: 28g

4 Flounder filets

1 Large onion

1 Medium carrot

1 Habanero pepper (or Scotch Bonnet, if you can find one), seeds removed and sliced into thin strips

1 tsp minced garlic

1 Bay leaf

1/2 tsp dried thyme

1 tsp Allspice berries

1/4 tsp crushed red pepper

2 tsp salt

2 tsp freshly ground black pepper

1/2 cup malt vinegar

1/8 cup water

1 lime, cut into wedges

1 Tbsp fresh lemon juice

Heat a stainless steel saucepan over medium low heat. Briefly remove from heat and spray with cooking spray (I used the olive oil kind). Add onion, carrot, habanero, and garlic; heat for about a minute, then add the bay leaf, thyme, allspice, crushed pepper, salt, and pepper.
Sweat for about 5 minutes, stirring, or until the onion is soft and translucent. You may need to spray with additional cooking spray to keep moist.

Add the vinegar, water and lemon juice, stirring well. Bring to a gentle boil. Boil briefly to let the sauce reduce a little. Cover the pan and simmer for about 15 minutes, stirring occasionally, or until the vegetables are tender.

Wash fish thoroughly in water with lime or lemon juice added. Dry thoroughly.

Cover a baking sheet with aluminum foil and spray with cooking spray. Place the fish on the foil and salt and pepper to taste. Cover with aluminum foil and bake in preheated 400 degree oven for 18 minutes, or until fish flakes easily with fork.

Spoon the hot vegetables and sauce over the fish and serve right away with lime wedges. This is also good the next day as a cold lunch (and if you leave it cold, your coworkers won't kill you for making the office smell like fish).

Stepping Forward, Stumbling Back

It's hard to gauge how well I'm doing.

On the one hand, I'm staying within my calorie range most days. I'm also working out regularly, and additionally doing little fun things that are active (I went to a line-dancing class this evening; it was fun!). Everything about my lifestyle has improved. I'm eating fewer calories; the calories I do consume are mostly healthy, nutritious calories; I'm becoming more active; I'm drinking far less alcohol; I've almost completely cut out diet sodas; I've started drinking green tea. Heck, it doesn't have anything to do with fitness or weight loss, but I've even stopped biting my nails.

On the other hand, I still have days and short strings of days where I completely lose my give-a-damn, and fall right back into my old habits. Weekends are the worst; I think it is because I don't have a weekend routine. I've fit my healthy eating and exercise into my work days, and I have figured out how to maintain that. But on weekends, where things are happening spontaneously and I'm doing something different all the time and I'm unprepared for half of what happens, I wind up eating fast food. Or going to a nice sit-down dinner out. Or drinking too much scotch and cider (Scotch with a cider chaser; not mixed together. I do have standards.). And these days are affecting my progress. That is frustrating.

I truly want to focus on what I'm doing right. I want to love myself for all the hard work and sacrifice I have done lately. I want to be proud of myself. But my setbacks keep me from feeling that way. Instead of feeling like a success for the five days I was strictly on-plan, I feel like a failure for the long weekend where I completely blew it. I just can't seem to cut myself a break.

Part of this whole ordeal is learning to give a damn about myself. I'm learning more about what that means every day. I'm not there yet; but it's getting closer. I have proud moments and little glimpses of progress I have made. The good is beginning to outweigh the bad, and if that trend continues, I may actually make it this time.

I want to thank all of you. Julia and Ted have been absolutely wonderful and so incredibly supportive through all my ups and downs. SGT Ken and Amber and all the instructors at START Fitness have done so much to help me learn how to push my body and become stronger. My precious friends, Suzan, Gayle, Adam, all my FB Fit Before the World Ends friends, and many others have been there for me and I couldn't have come this far without you. Thank you so much for listening, laughing, encouraging, mocking, and pushing me. We still have a long way to go.

It Has to Work for Me

Okay, I'm going to put this out there and I'd like to know what y'all think.

If you've been following the blog lately, you'll know I've had a few off days because of Christmas and New Year, and I've jumped right back on plan after both those events. Even with the lapses, I've lost weight since I started really counting calories in December. I'll post my official weigh-in tomorrow.

Anyway, I expect to have a lot of weeks where I have one day where I go over - not really a "free day" where I pay no attention whatsoever, but a day where I may have a heavy dinner or a few more drinks than the plan allows. For example, this Saturday night is Whiskey Club. My plan is to eat a light, sensible, healthy breakfast and lunch, and enjoy the food and drink at the gathering. Sampling whiskey and eating snacks will probably take me over on calories for the day. Could I make a sacrifice and not participate in the tasting? Sure. Am I willing to make that sacrifice? I'm not sure; I don't think so. Not yet, anyway. I am making conscious sacrifices every day. I am learning from them and growing from them. But that doesn't mean I have to sacrifice every single pleasure in my life that involves calories. If this is going to be long-term, then there will have to be exceptions. There will have to be variety, joy, and fun.

My thoughts are that this keeps me from quitting altogether, and it's still a lot better than I was doing before. I expect this to continue to result in a downward trend on the scale, though it might not be the two pounds a week that my actual to-the-letter-plan is geared for.

I'm actually making it to the gym a lot more, and mostly doing pretty intense workouts. Zombiefit and Crossfit are really tough, almost as tough as boot camp (though the workouts are shorter, so still not as intense). The Zumba classes aren't all that hard, but it's an extra hour of moderate cardio, and that should be at least a booster.

Thoughts?

The Worst is Behind Me (I Hope)

"Remember the race is not always won by the swift nor the conflict by the strong ... but if you have money to wager put it on the fast strong guy." -Zacharia TeKawaare

I haven't been the fast strong guy lately. But I have been determined.

Christmas and New Year's were a couple of tough obstacles in my nutrition revamp, but I pushed through and did not let them derail me. I had two out-of-range days for Christmas, and three for New Year's. After each, I jumped right back on and stayed on track. I have had three successful days in a row. I'm learning every day about what foods are wasted calories, and what foods contribute to long-term satisfaction and good nutrition. I'm also learning what I am willing to sacrifice, and what I am not willing to sacrifice. For those things that I am not willing to give up, I plan. If my plan does not allow for those things, I either rework it or I forego that particular vice for the day, with the knowledge that I can start again tomorrow, and make sure it fits within my plan.

Nothing is forbidden; nothing is required. This is not about anyone else's idea of what I should or should not be eating or drinking. It is about me learning what works for me.

I am going to give myself another week on my plan before I report any weigh-ins. As I said, Christmas and New Year's threw me off, so I'm going to give myself a chance to even out before I start reporting progress. I also need a new scale, as my current one seems to be behaving oddly.

I haven't been very funny lately. For that I apologize. I've been pretty focused on getting my act together, and it really hasn't lent itself to comedy. I will figure out a remedy to that soon.

On a Roll

And I don't mean a cinnamon roll.

I have remained steadfast with staying within my calorie range. I have had two more successful days since my last post, and I'm on track for another successful day today. This is a good trend.

Now, just because I have been able to maintain this does not mean it has been easy. Yesterday after work I wanted nothing more than to dive face-first into a vat of dry martini. I did have a couple of martinis; but I had the calories planned for them and I did not overindulge. I'm finding that with a little creativity, I'm able to eat really great stuff and still stay in my range. Last night Ted and I made escovitch, which is a wonderful jamaican spicy fish dish, and it was amazing.

We also did the Zombie Fit workout of the day, which was kind of brutal. It consisted of some cardio to warm up, repetitions of circuits for time, and cardio to finish off. When all was said and done, we wound up doing:

• 5 min run/bike
• 30 squats
• 30 push-ups
• 30 sit-ups
• 30 pull-ups
• 30 8-count bodybuilders (which include a push-up, bringing that total to 60)
• 75 lunges each leg
• 25 burpees
• 300m jogging

My thighs caught fire at one point.

It's Not the Same Thing

There is a difference between being "in control" and being "perfect."

Since my last blog post, I have been in control. I have not been perfect; but that is okay.

I have stayed within my calorie range all but two days since my last blog post. Those two days were Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. On those days, I made a conscious decision to enjoy food and drink with my family. I do not regret it.

I didn't pig out as heavily as I normally do during the holidays, but there's only so much you can manage with portion control when your meal consists of country ham, fried potatoes, scrambled eggs, big fluffy biscuits, and sausage gravy. Oh, and orange juice to drink. Even with small portions, which I did observe, that was a lot of calories. And worth every bite.

Christmas day was not quite as bad, but we did go have Asian food, and I had wine that evening. It was a nice, relaxing holiday, and I feel good about jumping right back on track Monday morning. On Monday I ate right in the middle of my calorie range. So, like I said, I'm in control.

The Christmas holiday did mess up my workout schedule, but Ted and I plan on going to the gym in the morning and doing a good workout. I'm going to try to fit in some extra cardio this week to compensate for my two high calorie days.

It feels so good to be in charge of my body for a change.

Coming Together - Maybe

It feels like everything is starting to come together.

I know; you have all read this from me before. I'm working out hard, I'm getting my eating under control, blah blah blah, then bam, I'm back on here whining about eating too many damn cheeseburgers. Why should you think it's going to be any different this time?

Well, the truth is, you shouldn't. But I'm hoping to surprise you.

So what is different this time? Well, I had what alcoholics refer to as a "moment of clarity."

It came when I was browsing some friends' photos on the internet. There was a photo of a very fit, healthy, toned woman in one of the photos. In the comments, someone complimented her on what a lovely, lean, strong body she had (it wasn't as weird as it sounds here). The lady commented back that it wasn't easy; she had worked hard and made a lot of sacrifices for that body.

For some reason, that statement made something click. Sacrifices.

All this time, I've been thinking in terms of what I can and can't have. I can't have more calories than my calorie range allows. I can't have all those carbs. I can't have so much fat. Well, a bull-headed woman like me does not like to be told that she can't have or do anything. So something makes me rebel and say LIKE HELL I CAN'T JUST WATCH ME.

But I'll tell you what I can do. I can make conscious decisions to make a sacrifice to further my goal. I can choose to forego something I want. I can take a look at those fried pickles, or that piece of cake, or that pizza, and I can say to myself "If I want to eat that, I can eat it." And then I can remind myself that if I choose to skip it, that is X-number of calories that I do not have to burn off. And I can walk away.

I have gone back to tracking my calories on SparkPeople. Yesterday I stayed within my calorie range, even though I attended an awesome Winter Solstice Bonfire Party at the home of my good friend Gayle. I chose low calorie foods all day, had a piece of tilapia before I left so I wouldn't be starving, and while at the party I drank limited amounts of beer and wine. When I got home and logged the drinks from the party, I saw that I had succeeded. It was awesome.

I am well on the way toward having another successful day. I prepared a healthy breakfast and lunch, and have a light snack ready for when I need it. Dinner will be tilapia again, probably, this time with a side dish of a vegetable or some salad.

As for working out, Ted and I are still doing workouts at the gym. On some days we're doing the Workout of the Day (WoD) from zombiefit.org, and on other days we're doing the WoD from crossfit.com. They are great workouts, and really tough. I'm still having to modify for my knees and my foot, but I'm able to get a really good burn every time.

More soon.

So Close to Quitting

I am so thankful to have a supportive partner.

Today I had a blog post all cooked up in my head about how I was going to just give up. Quit. Throw in the towel. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

I was going to say that I've been at this since February, and not just half-assed at it, but really working myself to death at boot camp, and all I have to show for it are knees that hurt worse than ever and newly-developed plantar fasciitis. I have lost no weight; I have lost only one clothing size, and that was in the very beginning. I look exactly how I looked when I started, and I am tired, worn down, and just sick to fucking death of killing myself for no results. I can't get my eating under control because I'm like that old drunk who just keeps drinking until he dies. Why doesn't he stop? Because he will never love himself more than he loves alcohol. And that is my relationship with food. Sorry, folks, but I am always going to be fat. I am probably going to die young of a preventable disease because I refuse to change my habits. So I quit. I just fucking goddamn quit.

Then Ted said that he could see a difference. He could feel a difference. I am making progress. And he gave me a kiss and a hug that told me that he means it. And I took the top piece of bread off my Egg McMuffin to cut the carb count in half, and everything was better again.

I'm still very, very frustrated that the weather is cooling down and I can't run. I want to get back out there and do at least some short runs; some drills; something. But I really can't. My foot is a genuine showstopper. I'm still very, very frustrated that I can't do so many exercises properly because of my knee pain. And I'm still very, very frustrated that I can't get my eating right. But I'm no longer ready to give up. I'm going to keep trying, and probably keep failing. But hopefully my failures will become less severe over time. Hopefully I'll get stronger and more resolved. Hopefully, everything will eventually come together.

I'm not going to be in a size 8 by my birthday. But I am going to be healthier by my birthday, and I will be closer to having my shit together.

I'm hoping to be funny again one day, too. Sorry my posts have been so heavy lately. This too shall pass.

I'm Angry

So tell me, if you knew that someone had just started Alcoholics Anonymous and was in the very difficult first stage of detox, would you crack open a beer in front of them and make a huge deal about how delicious and refreshing it was? Would you hold it under their nose and say things like "Wouldn't you like to have a sip? HAHA! Too bad you can't, because you have lack of control and can't drink in moderation! Loser!"

If you said that yes, you would do that, then you are an incredible asshole and you do not deserve to take up space on this earth with decent human beings. Please go find the other assholes and play a game of hide-and-go-fuckyourself.

I'm guessing that few, if any, of you said that you would behave in that manner. So why is it that people think it is cute and funny to behave that way toward someone who has issues with food?

I am trying very, very hard to improve my eating habits. I make bad decisions with food; I eat things that I know are counter to my goals. I even eat things that I know are going to cause me pain. I don't do these things because I'm stupid (I'm not), or even because I lack self-control (I don't). I do these things because I have an addiction, and it is as real and as severe an addiction as one to alcohol or drugs.

So why is it funny to taunt me when someone brings donuts to the office? Why is it funny to rave about how "I think I'd eat a piece of this cake even if I were on a diet, because it's soooo delicious"? Why is it such a hoot to see me struggle to stay at my desk and not get up and slice off a piece of that cake? Why don't you just shut the fuck up and eat your goddamn cake?

I haven't made any progress with the Christmas Dress Challenge. I finally got the motivation to make a plan, and stick to it. I have my day all planned out, and a donut or a piece of pound cake doesn't fit into that plan. So stop trying to get me to eat a piece. I already want to eat a piece. I would step on your face to get to that cake. But I cannot have a piece. My health is more important than that delicious cake. So back the fuck off.

And thus endeth the rant against mine enemy.

Once I make some progress on the challenge, I'll post again. Progress is going to be made soon. Because I am awesome and I am going to beat this thing.

Another Lots-of-Stuff Post

So, yeah. Not a lot of happy to report lately.

It appears that I have plantar fasciitis. It hurts like a motherfucker. It hurts to walk; it hurts to sit with my foot on the floor; it is impossible to run. There are stretches I can do to lessen the pain, but it is becoming apparent that I'm not going to be able to run or do boot camp for a while (standard moves like high-step, sprints, and speed-skater drills are impossible). I'm going to talk to SGT Ken and let him know that I need to suspend my membership until I get the pain under control and am cleared to run again; it could be nine months or more. For now, I'm glad that I haven't sent in the paper to cancel my gym membership, because I don't plan to stop exercising. I can do cardio on spin bikes to replace the running, and I can do strength exercises that I've practiced at boot camp (the ones that don't hurt my foot). If I find that there are strength exercises that hurt my foot, I can substitute freeweights or machines for that muscle group. I've learned a lot since February, and I can read articles SGT Ken has written for workouts and instructions; I think I'll be able to motivate myself to do what needs to be done until I can get back to class.

The foot pain also kept me from running the Warrior Dash last weekend. I was able to give my chip and number to a friend of a friend who had missed registration, and he was really happy to have the chance to run it, so at least something good came of it. But I was so, so sad to be on the sidelines. When I got on site and saw the muddy people who had run in the early waves, I just broke down. It's my favorite race ever, and I had to just limp around and watch. But Ted, Gayle, and Gayle's friend (I'm so sorry, I can't remember his name I am a horrible person!) all did a fantastic job and finished strong. I hope so much that I'm running again by the time the next Mountain City race rolls around.

Okay, on to something that does not involve my foot pain. I have my eating under pretty good control right now, and I'm going to join an online Christmas Dress challenge. I'm joining a few days late; but if the blog author will still let me, I'm going to jump in. It's being run by Fat So Sarah and it runs from September 18 through December 11 (my birthday!). Here are the rules and my goals:

Rules:

1. Buy or find a picture of a dress in a smaller size (the size you're aiming to reach by the end of the challenge) The idea is to buy the dress to use as motivation, but it's not required. I'm just going to post a photo of the dress I want; I'll buy it if I reach the goal.


2. On or before Sunday, Sept. 18th, make your first post with a picture of your dress, your starting size & weight and your goal size & weight. (I will link my post to yours, so let me know once you make your first post) Photo of dress below; starting size 12 or 14, depending on brand and cut; starting weight 187; goal weight 167; I think I might be in an 8 or 10, depending on brand and cut, at that weight.


3. Aim for a healthy caloric intake each day Goal is between 1200 and 1500 per day (per Sparkpeople website)


4. Exercise a minimum 3x a week gym until foot heals; back to boot camp as soon as possible


5. Drink water(not soda, not diet soda, not energy drinks...etc...) okay.

So here's my dress:



My goal is to be able to buy it in a size 8 for my birthday. It's on JC Penney dot com in case anyone gets any ideas. ;)

Much Ado

I'm a terrible blogger.

I was doing so well for so long, but then I just got busy and put blogging on the back burner and let my readers down. Both of you. I'm so sorry and I promise I'll try to do better.

First of all, like my blogging, my boot camp attendance has been spotty lately. I made it to class one day last week, and one day this week. Some of the absences have been unavoidable, and some have been laziness. Some have been due to "other." We won't discuss "other." It's mostly me being a petty child and I'll get over it.

On a more positive note about boot camp, today was awesome. Jackie put together an incredibly fun running workout and even though it was really tough and pushed me hard, I actually truly enjoyed it. If you've read my blog at all, you know how I hate running. I really hate it. Sometimes I can briefly trick myself into thinking that I don't hate it so much, but it always comes back around to me hating it. I would normally prefer to have a hot iron held to my face rather than go for a run. But today, Jackie incorporated games, levity, and a little friendly competition, and not only did I enjoy it, but I also felt really, really good about my performance today. I didn't run the fastest or the hardest (we have some crazy fit runners in our class; I'll never be in the top ten!), but I felt like I kept a good pace and pushed hard, and set a good example for our new recruits. I wasn't at the front of the pack, but I wasn't pulling up the rear, either. I showed that the fat girl can run, too.

On a different note, my body is revolting. And I'm not just talking about how it looks. It seems that my body has finally decided that it's sick and tired of me not taking my nutrition seriously enough. I've been having severe gallbladder pain (and if you've never had a gallbladder attack, consider yourself very fortunate; they are so painful, it's impossible to describe), and I've been having more frequent heartburn and acid reflux. Both of these issues can be avoided, or at least lessened, by improving what I put in my body. Mainly, I need to cut way back on fats. I need to increase my fiber intake with fruits and vegetables. I need to reduce my intake of heavy meats and replace them with fish and beans. In other words, I know exactly what I need to do. The trick is actually doing it.

I'm not sure what it's going to take to get me to follow through on this. One thing I'm considering is getting a juicer and committing myself to replacing one meal a day with a big glass of fresh vegetable or fruit juice. Unfortunately, doing that at this time of year can get pretty expensive; but I may try that for a while, just to get some good, concentrated micronutrients into my body every day. The sad fact is, I'm not going to eat all that many more fruits and vegetables. I do well to get in one or two servings; forget about the five or six that are recommended. One glass of juice can cover a lot of that daily requirement. We'll see how it goes; I'll keep you posted. You know how well I follow through with anything pertaining to food, so don't be surprised if little or nothing comes of this.

A little later I'm going to write a post about going to Dragon*Con over the Labor Day weekend. It was great; but for now, lunch break is over and I need to get back to work. More soon!

So Many Things

I hate it that my blogging has become so sporadic lately. There has just been so much going on, it's hard to find time to sit still and write.

I'm still going strong with START Fitness. The push-up challenge is over, with SGT Ken taking first place, with Jimmy O not far behind. I finished in the top 20 (17th overall), but most importantly, Nashville beat San Francisco. I'm very proud of my rockin' platoon for winning!

Today we had a lot of rookies in the class, because SGT Ken ran a Groupon. I love seeing new faces and a full studio. It's motivating and energizing. Hopefully several of them will stick around for the long haul.

On the nutrition front, I'm happy to report that I went to the Wilson County Fair yesterday, and did not eat one single deep-fried thing. My fair food consisted of a barbecue sandwich and half a serving of baked beans. I can't really give myself credit for having a strong will, though. I had a gallbladder attack a few nights before, and so I'm currently terrified of high fat content foods. Intense pain is a great motivator. So until I am able to get the offending organ yanked out, I'll be on a low-fat diet and will probably make a little progress.

That's really all I've got today. I'm taking my daughter for her learner's permit test this afternoon, so my focus is on that for the time being. Wish her (me) luck!

300

No, not the movie. Guess again.

If you guessed that this was my current weight, then you are no longer my friend.

If you guessed that this was my score on May’s Basic Fitness Test (BFT), then you’re right! I scored 300 out of a possible 300. I am very proud of myself.

We are doing the BFT for July on Monday. I’m not sure what to expect from myself, but I hope to improve on everything. I’m not going to set myself up for disappointment by putting specific numbers on my goals, because I just don’t know how much I’ve improved since last time. I’ve missed a lot of classes, so I don’t know what to expect. I’m hoping to at least score 300 again, though.

It’s getting difficult to blog about boot camp, because I feel like I’m saying the same things over and over. It’s tough; it hurts; it’s awesome; it’s working; it’s worth it. All these things are true, every time. I need to think of new and creative ways of expressing these sentiments.

Currently, my big challenge is nutrition, but I am finally taking serious steps toward correcting it. I’m using SGT Ken’s Savory Survival Guide as a guideline. I’m not following it to the letter; I’m making substitutions here and there. For instance, last night instead of having baked chicken and brown rice with steamed vegetables, I had baked fish and brown rice with a tomato, herb, and olive reduction. So, the substitutions aren’t cheating; they’re just changes based on what I have in my kitchen and what sounds tastier. I have been doing a great job staying away from the chips in the break room at work (bringing a healthy snack with me helps a lot). I am keeping a food journal, so in case I don’t see any progress in a week, I can show SGT Ken what I have been eating, and he can hopefully tell me what I’ve been doing wrong.

Tonight is trivia at the wingery. I’m trying to plan what I am going to do; I do enjoy my wings and beer, but I can abstain in order to meet my goals. I normally have a couple of good beers, a side salad, and eat about half a medium wings plate (splitting it with Ted). Sometimes we start with an appetizer of fried pickles. It’s a lot of food. A lot more food than I should eat. So tonight, I’m thinking I’ll make my dinner at home as prescribed by the SSG, and have one beer (I dismissed the quit-drinking-for-good idea and switched to really-watching-out-for-overdrinking) at trivia. If I find that I don't have time to cook before time to leave, I will have a side salad and something that looks relatively harmless on the menu. Regardless of what I wind up doing, I will write everything down. That is my challenge for this week.