Wednesday, October 19, 2011

So Close to Quitting

I am so thankful to have a supportive partner.

Today I had a blog post all cooked up in my head about how I was going to just give up. Quit. Throw in the towel. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

I was going to say that I've been at this since February, and not just half-assed at it, but really working myself to death at boot camp, and all I have to show for it are knees that hurt worse than ever and newly-developed plantar fasciitis. I have lost no weight; I have lost only one clothing size, and that was in the very beginning. I look exactly how I looked when I started, and I am tired, worn down, and just sick to fucking death of killing myself for no results. I can't get my eating under control because I'm like that old drunk who just keeps drinking until he dies. Why doesn't he stop? Because he will never love himself more than he loves alcohol. And that is my relationship with food. Sorry, folks, but I am always going to be fat. I am probably going to die young of a preventable disease because I refuse to change my habits. So I quit. I just fucking goddamn quit.

Then Ted said that he could see a difference. He could feel a difference. I am making progress. And he gave me a kiss and a hug that told me that he means it. And I took the top piece of bread off my Egg McMuffin to cut the carb count in half, and everything was better again.

I'm still very, very frustrated that the weather is cooling down and I can't run. I want to get back out there and do at least some short runs; some drills; something. But I really can't. My foot is a genuine showstopper. I'm still very, very frustrated that I can't do so many exercises properly because of my knee pain. And I'm still very, very frustrated that I can't get my eating right. But I'm no longer ready to give up. I'm going to keep trying, and probably keep failing. But hopefully my failures will become less severe over time. Hopefully I'll get stronger and more resolved. Hopefully, everything will eventually come together.

I'm not going to be in a size 8 by my birthday. But I am going to be healthier by my birthday, and I will be closer to having my shit together.

I'm hoping to be funny again one day, too. Sorry my posts have been so heavy lately. This too shall pass.