Warning: You Don't Want to Read This Post

You've been warned.

First, I'd like to say that I am grateful to live in the modern world, where I have options for when it is my "ladies time," and I don't have to go shear a sheep or just sit in my room in a puddle of my own uterus until it is over. Seriously, I'm happy for that.

But honestly. Feminine products manufacturers, I'm talking to you. I mean, seriously? Your target consumer group consists of women who are bloated, hormonal, and bleeding out of parts of their body that usually make them very happy. Do you really have to add so much additional complication?

I don't need wings. Not on the front, the middle, or the back of my feminine products. I'm not taking flying lessons; I just need a barrier between my unstable uterus and my underwear. The last thing I want to worry about is getting the little sticky sides wrapped around the crotch of my panties while keeping them from sticking to themselves when I'm trying to discreetly change the sheets in the women's bathroom of a fancy restaurant. Just please give me a strip of absorbent fabric to lay across the crotch of my panties. That doesn't seem like too much to ask.

You cannot say you were not warned.

It Has to Work for Me

Okay, I'm going to put this out there and I'd like to know what y'all think.

If you've been following the blog lately, you'll know I've had a few off days because of Christmas and New Year, and I've jumped right back on plan after both those events. Even with the lapses, I've lost weight since I started really counting calories in December. I'll post my official weigh-in tomorrow.

Anyway, I expect to have a lot of weeks where I have one day where I go over - not really a "free day" where I pay no attention whatsoever, but a day where I may have a heavy dinner or a few more drinks than the plan allows. For example, this Saturday night is Whiskey Club. My plan is to eat a light, sensible, healthy breakfast and lunch, and enjoy the food and drink at the gathering. Sampling whiskey and eating snacks will probably take me over on calories for the day. Could I make a sacrifice and not participate in the tasting? Sure. Am I willing to make that sacrifice? I'm not sure; I don't think so. Not yet, anyway. I am making conscious sacrifices every day. I am learning from them and growing from them. But that doesn't mean I have to sacrifice every single pleasure in my life that involves calories. If this is going to be long-term, then there will have to be exceptions. There will have to be variety, joy, and fun.

My thoughts are that this keeps me from quitting altogether, and it's still a lot better than I was doing before. I expect this to continue to result in a downward trend on the scale, though it might not be the two pounds a week that my actual to-the-letter-plan is geared for.

I'm actually making it to the gym a lot more, and mostly doing pretty intense workouts. Zombiefit and Crossfit are really tough, almost as tough as boot camp (though the workouts are shorter, so still not as intense). The Zumba classes aren't all that hard, but it's an extra hour of moderate cardio, and that should be at least a booster.

Thoughts?

The Worst is Behind Me (I Hope)

"Remember the race is not always won by the swift nor the conflict by the strong ... but if you have money to wager put it on the fast strong guy." -Zacharia TeKawaare

I haven't been the fast strong guy lately. But I have been determined.

Christmas and New Year's were a couple of tough obstacles in my nutrition revamp, but I pushed through and did not let them derail me. I had two out-of-range days for Christmas, and three for New Year's. After each, I jumped right back on and stayed on track. I have had three successful days in a row. I'm learning every day about what foods are wasted calories, and what foods contribute to long-term satisfaction and good nutrition. I'm also learning what I am willing to sacrifice, and what I am not willing to sacrifice. For those things that I am not willing to give up, I plan. If my plan does not allow for those things, I either rework it or I forego that particular vice for the day, with the knowledge that I can start again tomorrow, and make sure it fits within my plan.

Nothing is forbidden; nothing is required. This is not about anyone else's idea of what I should or should not be eating or drinking. It is about me learning what works for me.

I am going to give myself another week on my plan before I report any weigh-ins. As I said, Christmas and New Year's threw me off, so I'm going to give myself a chance to even out before I start reporting progress. I also need a new scale, as my current one seems to be behaving oddly.

I haven't been very funny lately. For that I apologize. I've been pretty focused on getting my act together, and it really hasn't lent itself to comedy. I will figure out a remedy to that soon.

On a Roll

And I don't mean a cinnamon roll.

I have remained steadfast with staying within my calorie range. I have had two more successful days since my last post, and I'm on track for another successful day today. This is a good trend.

Now, just because I have been able to maintain this does not mean it has been easy. Yesterday after work I wanted nothing more than to dive face-first into a vat of dry martini. I did have a couple of martinis; but I had the calories planned for them and I did not overindulge. I'm finding that with a little creativity, I'm able to eat really great stuff and still stay in my range. Last night Ted and I made escovitch, which is a wonderful jamaican spicy fish dish, and it was amazing.

We also did the Zombie Fit workout of the day, which was kind of brutal. It consisted of some cardio to warm up, repetitions of circuits for time, and cardio to finish off. When all was said and done, we wound up doing:

• 5 min run/bike
• 30 squats
• 30 push-ups
• 30 sit-ups
• 30 pull-ups
• 30 8-count bodybuilders (which include a push-up, bringing that total to 60)
• 75 lunges each leg
• 25 burpees
• 300m jogging

My thighs caught fire at one point.

It's Not the Same Thing

There is a difference between being "in control" and being "perfect."

Since my last blog post, I have been in control. I have not been perfect; but that is okay.

I have stayed within my calorie range all but two days since my last blog post. Those two days were Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. On those days, I made a conscious decision to enjoy food and drink with my family. I do not regret it.

I didn't pig out as heavily as I normally do during the holidays, but there's only so much you can manage with portion control when your meal consists of country ham, fried potatoes, scrambled eggs, big fluffy biscuits, and sausage gravy. Oh, and orange juice to drink. Even with small portions, which I did observe, that was a lot of calories. And worth every bite.

Christmas day was not quite as bad, but we did go have Asian food, and I had wine that evening. It was a nice, relaxing holiday, and I feel good about jumping right back on track Monday morning. On Monday I ate right in the middle of my calorie range. So, like I said, I'm in control.

The Christmas holiday did mess up my workout schedule, but Ted and I plan on going to the gym in the morning and doing a good workout. I'm going to try to fit in some extra cardio this week to compensate for my two high calorie days.

It feels so good to be in charge of my body for a change.

Coming Together - Maybe

It feels like everything is starting to come together.

I know; you have all read this from me before. I'm working out hard, I'm getting my eating under control, blah blah blah, then bam, I'm back on here whining about eating too many damn cheeseburgers. Why should you think it's going to be any different this time?

Well, the truth is, you shouldn't. But I'm hoping to surprise you.

So what is different this time? Well, I had what alcoholics refer to as a "moment of clarity."

It came when I was browsing some friends' photos on the internet. There was a photo of a very fit, healthy, toned woman in one of the photos. In the comments, someone complimented her on what a lovely, lean, strong body she had (it wasn't as weird as it sounds here). The lady commented back that it wasn't easy; she had worked hard and made a lot of sacrifices for that body.

For some reason, that statement made something click. Sacrifices.

All this time, I've been thinking in terms of what I can and can't have. I can't have more calories than my calorie range allows. I can't have all those carbs. I can't have so much fat. Well, a bull-headed woman like me does not like to be told that she can't have or do anything. So something makes me rebel and say LIKE HELL I CAN'T JUST WATCH ME.

But I'll tell you what I can do. I can make conscious decisions to make a sacrifice to further my goal. I can choose to forego something I want. I can take a look at those fried pickles, or that piece of cake, or that pizza, and I can say to myself "If I want to eat that, I can eat it." And then I can remind myself that if I choose to skip it, that is X-number of calories that I do not have to burn off. And I can walk away.

I have gone back to tracking my calories on SparkPeople. Yesterday I stayed within my calorie range, even though I attended an awesome Winter Solstice Bonfire Party at the home of my good friend Gayle. I chose low calorie foods all day, had a piece of tilapia before I left so I wouldn't be starving, and while at the party I drank limited amounts of beer and wine. When I got home and logged the drinks from the party, I saw that I had succeeded. It was awesome.

I am well on the way toward having another successful day. I prepared a healthy breakfast and lunch, and have a light snack ready for when I need it. Dinner will be tilapia again, probably, this time with a side dish of a vegetable or some salad.

As for working out, Ted and I are still doing workouts at the gym. On some days we're doing the Workout of the Day (WoD) from zombiefit.org, and on other days we're doing the WoD from crossfit.com. They are great workouts, and really tough. I'm still having to modify for my knees and my foot, but I'm able to get a really good burn every time.

More soon.

Honesty

Time for some honesty.

I've been lying to myself and others for years now. I have consistently asserted that I want to lose weight "to be healthy," or "so I won't die at 48 like my dad did." I've been saying that for so long, that it's just my automatic canned response now.

But you know what? It's a lie.

The truth is that at my current weight, my life expectancy is reduced by about three years. When I'm faced with the choice between eating a baked chicken breast with steamed green beans for dinner and ordering a pizza, those three years don't seem very important. Honestly, I'll probably be suffering from dementia long before I approach those years (family history, both maternal and paternal), so truly, dying three years sooner would be a gift to those who are stuck taking care of me.

Depressing? Yes. But hey, the truth is the truth. You should know that with a title like "Honesty," anything I write will be dreadful.

So you want to know, honestly, why I want to lose weight?

I want to be pretty. Pretty all over, not just that girl who has a pretty face, too bad she's so fat. I want to look sexy in cute clothes. I want to be attractive in a bikini. I want to be that lady you stare at while she's working out, thinking "damn, look at those muscles!"

I want my daughter to be proud of me when we go places. I want her to be proud of the progress I've made.

I have the most wonderful, kind, loving, precious partner in the world. He deserves a sexy girlfriend. He loves his dumpy girlfriend; but he deserves to have a girlfriend who makes him proud. I want to be her.

It is all superficial. Every bit of it.

So there. That's the truth. I don't really care all that much about my long-term health. I really just want to be attractive. If that makes my weight loss goals less valid, then so be it.